Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm both gender and math confused
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
