I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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