Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It was like getting head from an anaconda
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
