i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
