gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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