need another drink. this is the easiest way
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
