i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
