wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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