i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
