new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
