remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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