Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Success! We fucked roommates!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
