I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
When are your genitals available?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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