You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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