Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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