God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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