You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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