The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
