do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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