There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
