Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
