He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
