So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
