I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You took a bar mat shot.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
This toilet bowl is my home.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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