I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
