I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
