The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
