i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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