I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
