Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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