shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
