Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
