i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize