You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Christians are straight up FREAKS
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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