He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
