i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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