i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
