drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
