someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
