Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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