I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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