just survived the first fart of the relationship.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Vodka?
Forever.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
