the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
