I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
