sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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