I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
