I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
