I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
