and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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