did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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