HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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