See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
