Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
No subtext here. People are naked.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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