if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im holly from the hills drunk
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
