hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My vagina is very pro this idea
My vagina just clenched in fear
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
